


Heart’s Desire

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9413309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Post Endgame fixer upper. Chakotay does some star and navel gazing until Kathryn arrives and changes everything.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday to me old cobber, Pook (2009). Have a great day, my friend and many more.
> 
> Thanks as always to my betas, Corinna for the ears and Kim for the eyes. Hugs. I have fiddled with it since, so any mistakes are mine.

Pulling the sleeve of his jacket over his fingers, Chakotay lifted the lid from the camp stove. He gave the fragrant vegetable stew within a quick stir before replacing the cover and poking at the coals beneath. Sitting cross-legged in front of the campfire in the dark stillness of the Australian outback, he stared for a long moment into the glowing embers. Then, after a quick shake of his head, he turned, picked up a couple of logs and tossed them onto the fire. He watched, almost mesmerized, as the flames licked up and around the thick branches. The bark covering curled in the intense heat, the edges burning brilliant red while small pockets of air popped and spat sparks into the surrounding darkness.

Each flying ember reminded him of a miniature shooting star and he was suddenly assailed by a vivid memory. It was of him and Kathryn on Caspitas Prime – a planet some seventy thousand lightyears away in the far reaches of the Delta Quadrant. It had been their first shared shore leave – a purely platonic venture – and at Kathryn’s suggestion they’d spent the evening together, picnicking high on a cliff overlooking the sea. From their lofty vantage point, they’d witnessed an unexpected but spectacular meteor shower. He could still picture the delight in her eyes – the unadulterated joy – as she looked towards the heavens and watched the night sky fill with a hail of streaking lights.

A smile softened his face as he recalled that moment from almost seven years ago. After the last bright lights had faded, she’d turned and, gesticulating wildly, lectured him for several minutes on the probable mineral content of the meteors, their likely origin, age and the reason why they glowed with such an intense orange colour. It was just so typical of Kathryn. Science and facts had always outweighed the mystery but, to her way of thinking, science _was_ the magic. He’d sat there beside her, captivated by her enthusiasm but not listening to a word she’d said. For him it had been a moment of profound realisation – the first time that he’d consciously acknowledged just how deeply he was in love with her. A moment of awareness that was both delightful and painful in its intensity because he’d known even then that nothing would ever come of it. A fact that had sadly remained true to this day since they’d never crossed that particular barrier.

Taking a deep breath, he dragged his eyes away from the dancing flames and his mind from painful memories of Kathryn and missed opportunities. Tilting his head back, he looked up at the blanket of stars that filled the night sky.

He was sitting in the middle of Australia’s red centre – the Simpson Desert to be precise – and from here, Earth’s familiar stars looked very different from the night skies over San Francisco – all back to front and slightly askew. He could just imagine Kathryn’s scathing comments on that rather inaccurate description and the thought made him smile. The stars and constellations here below the equator – in contrast to those above – appeared slightly exotic and, in a strange way, comfortingly unfamiliar. He chuckled to himself at the irony of the situation. Who would have thought that after all those years in the Delta Quadrant, staring at alien stars and pining for the recognizable ones of Earth, he would find himself unsettled and strangely uneasy on this planet that had once been his home. Voyager’s walls and corridors and the unknown space that surrounded them had become his world – the place where he felt most at peace. And although he’d tried to find a niche for himself in amongst the once well-known streets and buildings of San Francisco, he felt like a fish out of water or rather a first officer without a ship.

He’d come to Central Australia on impulse at the end of his debriefings. It seemed to be the perfect escape and certainly somewhere that he’d never thought to venture before. Still considered one of the most isolated and deserted places on Earth, he presumed that no one would think to look for him here.

The inspiration behind this spontaneous ‘vacation’ had been a need to find a peaceful and remote location to collect his thoughts, and gain some perspective on his life – both past and present. It had seemed like a good idea at the time but in the quiet stillness of the outback, his thoughts were loud and at times oppressive and his feelings of self-recrimination difficult to ignore.

Quieting his thoughts for a moment, he once more contemplated the night sky. This novel vantage point gave him a unique point of view and he shook his head at the foolishness of that recurring notion. He was the first to admit that his thoughts were rambling and his feelings confused, but he couldn’t control them. This new-old world was disorientating; the crowds of people overwhelming and the constant barrage of questions, holo-photographers, press and onlookers – all clamouring for his attention – just too much for him to tolerate at present.

Put very simply, he’d run away.

Lying back and folding his arms behind his head, his eyes travelled across the sky as he tried to pick known stars from the dense swathe of the Milky Way. He could see the Southern Cross and Centaurus – neither of which was visible in the northern hemisphere. There were other recognisable stars and constellations but, along with his thoughts, they were slightly cockeyed and off kilter. It seemed fitting under the circumstances.

He wondered if he looked hard enough whether he could see all the way back to Ocampa. The scientist in him knew that it was impossible but the romantic in him wished it were true. He missed it. He missed it dreadfully – the Delta Quadrant and the life he’d led out there.

This realisation ricocheted around in his head for a long moment and then settled right between his eyes, making him frown as he felt the unwelcome sting of tears. This was the crux of his problem. He was grieving – in deep mourning for the loss of his ship, his comrades and most significantly, his captain and dearest friend. It was simple – so simple that he was suddenly angry with himself for not recognising the symptoms sooner.

But he could be forgiven. It was only in the quiet of the desert that he’d at last been able to hear himself think. To allow all the tangled and jumbled feelings to seep to the surface where they could be recognised and dealt with.

Sitting up, he rubbed his hands over his face and stared once more at the fire.

Suddenly, he felt bone tired – mentally and physically exhausted. For weeks, he’d thought he was going crazy. But now that he knew he wasn’t, and the burden of wondering had lifted, he felt drained. All he wanted to do was sleep but he still had things to mull over and resolve. He’d barely had a moment to himself since arriving on Earth and he’d only just started to find a measure of closure. So, it was now more important than ever to sort through his thoughts.

Debriefings had been long-winded and tiresome – the mandatory counselling sessions equally tedious and not the least bit helpful. He’d dragged himself there each day only because he’d been ordered to go; to satisfy his therapist, he’d reeled off hours of boring and bland anecdotes and reports – never once revealing the true state of his tenuous wellbeing. Once the required course of appointments had been met, he’d not returned. Instead, he’d holed up in his Starfleet-provided apartment to stare out the window and ponder his sanity.

Seven had hovered around him for a short time but she’d quickly become weary of his sullen manner. And although – in her own inimitable way – she’d tried to be kind and helpful, she didn’t have a clue; her only pearl of wisdom was to suggest that he would be wise to ‘adapt’.

She was probably right but he didn’t want to ‘adapt.’ He wanted to go back to Voyager and for things to be the same as they’d always been; he wanted the routine, the comforting familiarity of the crew, the ship, his job, their purpose…

And he wanted Kathryn.

There! He’d admitted it – the one glaring truth at the root of all his problems. However, it didn’t make him feel any better and he knew why. Yes, he wanted her – that was hardly news – but he’d only recently come to the rather disturbing realisation that he needed her too – desperately – and _that_ concerned him greatly. He’d never needed anyone in his life, certainly not in such a soul-yearning and pathetic way. The insight prompted some rather brutal self-analysis.

Was it really love or some type of Stockholm Syndrome thing? A psychological aberration from being thrown together in such desperate straits for so long. Was what he felt for her real or was it merely that they’d become so reliant on each other for their physical and emotional wellbeing that they needed time and distance to unravel the tangled and enmeshed strands of their lives? Their relationship was complex and fraught and at times; it was hard to know where she ended and he began. They could read each other’s thoughts, end each other’s sentences and, over time, had become one another’s conscience. It was the closest relationship he’d ever had with another living being and he wasn’t sure if he could survive without her.

He’d tried to move on but his doomed relationship with Seven had gone no further than a few kisses and a promise to be within transporter distance once back on Earth. In retrospect, it had been an easy ‘out’ for him. As long as they both stayed on the planet, his ability to keep his promise remained a literal truth. It sounded harsh but the intention hadn’t been as cold-hearted as it seemed; he was genuinely fond of the girl. But the fact that he referred to her as such had become the issue – as B’Elanna so eloquently pointed out – Seven was a _girl_. Young enough to be his daughter – immature and emotionally distant – and the exact opposite of him.

There was no denying that he and Seven had little in common, but for a short time the idea of being one half of a couple had eased his loneliness. It had also awakened many of the feelings and desires that he’d suppressed for too long. His flirtation with her didn’t mean that he loved Kathryn any less – he couldn’t; she was a part of him. But he worried that he’d damaged that precious rapport. They’d lived and breathed each other’s lives for seven years with nary a day passing when they weren’t in each other’s company. And that special connection was dear to his heart. He could now acknowledge that this was why he was feeling her loss so deeply. It was as though a part of him had been torn away – a vital and irreplaceable part.

Spirits, he missed her.

He looked up at the sky again and then closed his eyes, trying to picture her face. He couldn’t. Already it had blurred at the edges and become indistinct. His eyes snapped open; the thought that he might forget what she looked like was frightening in light of the evening’s epiphanies. He promised himself that the first thing he was going to do once back in San Francisco was to visit her. Now more than ever, he needed to know how she was and how she was coping with the return and – if the opportunity arose – tell her how he felt. Even if she didn’t feel the same way, for his own peace of mind, he had to let her know.

Shuffling closer to the fire, he lifted the lid from the pot and stirred the steaming stew. The food was ready and he was hungry. All this ruminating had given him an appetite so he pulled his duffle closer, rummaged through the contents and found his bowl and cutlery. Just as he was about to dip the spoon into the pot, a familiar hum and glow of a transporter beam emanated from his right. He turned to see Kathryn materialise.

He sat in stunned silence; the spoon poised over the pot as she spun towards him and grinned.

“I’m not too late for dinner am I? I’m famished and I brought bread.” She waved a large paper bag in his direction.

Chakotay stuttered. “I.. I only have one bowl.”

“That’s okay, we’ll share. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

With the bag of bread in one hand, she tugged her jacket closer around her, and hugged her arms across her chest – her smile still wide and cheerful as she moved towards him.

“Kathryn, what are you doing here?”

“I thought you might like some company. You’re a hard man to track down, but Seven was certain you’d be here.”

“Seven? How?”

“She hacked into your computer – you’ve got to love those Borg algorithms – and checked the last few inquiries. There was a map of Australia amongst them. Once I’d narrowed down the continent, I got Wil Riker to scan for your biosignature. Then I asked him to beam me over.”

“You had the Titan scan the planet for me?”

“Not the whole planet, just Australia.”

“Who else knows you’re here?”

“Apart from Wil and the crew of the Titan, umm, Seven, Tom, B’Elanna, Harry and the Doctor. And I expect they’ve passed the word along to everyone else. So basically anyone who’s anyone knows by now.”

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that and his brow creased into a frown. “Is this a good idea, Kathryn?”

Her smile instantly faded and there was a moment of uncomfortable silence. She backed away a step, her posture stiffening and the timbre of her voice deepening. “I thought so but obviously you don’t. I’m sorry, I should have checked with you first. I just assumed… I’ll leave.” She lifted her hand to tap the combadge on the outside of her heavy jacket.

Chakotay bolted to his feet. “ ** _No!_** No _,_ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t want you to go. I just wasn’t expecting anyone… least of all you.”

Kathryn’s hand dropped slowly to her side. “Why least of all me?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just that things are different now. _We_ are different.”

“I don’t feel different. Just happier.” She moved forward again until she was standing directly in front of him and looked deeply into his eyes. She frowned. “But you’re not happy?”

He weighed up his answer. The truth or a lie – and decided he was sick of pretending. “No, I’m not, to be honest.”

“Why not? We’re back. We made it home.”

“This isn’t really my home, Kathryn, but that’s not the reason.”

“I thought home was where you happened to be. Someone very wise once told me that and it got me through many a low moment.”

He had to hand it to her; she had an answer for everything. He mused quietly. “Maybe he wasn’t so wise after all.”

Kathryn’s voice softened. “Or perhaps some places are just more like home than others?”

“Could be.” He sat down again and gestured for Kathryn to do the same. She did. Right beside him, which rather surprised him.

She pulled the loaf from the bag and broke off several chunks of bread before picking up the bowl, ladling a healthy portion of stew into it and nodding towards the lid. “Do you want to put that on again?”

Almost without thinking, he did as she suggested before turning back to watch her snatch up the spoon and take a mouthful of food. Placing the spoon back in the bowl, she offered it to him. “Your turn. It’s delicious by the way.”

“Thanks.” He took a mouthful, then handed it back to her and eyed her as she ate another spoonful. Retrieving the bowl, he lifted another laden spoon towards his mouth and in that instant, it occurred to him just how incredibly intimate this was. He wrapped his lips around the spoon that had only moments earlier been in Kathryn’s mouth and as he looked up again, found her eyes glued to his mouth. Stunned, he watched as she licked her lips then numbly handed her back the food. For the next several minutes, they ate in silence – watching each other as they passed the bowl back and forth.

Kathryn finished the last morsel, plonked the spoon in the empty bowl and smiled broadly, her voice a husky whisper. “Do you want more?”

Chakotay wasn’t quite sure what she was asking. His eyes narrowed as he took the empty bowl from her hand and decided that it was time to be bold. “That depends.”

Leaning forward Kathryn peered into the pot. “There’s plenty left.”

“I know but that wasn’t what I was talking about.”

“Oh.” Kathryn threw him a questioning look then picked up a stick and began prodding the fire, shifting the logs so that they burned with renewed vigour. Their small world was suddenly a little brighter and she turned towards him. “What were you talking _about_ , Chakotay?”

Taking a deep breath, he kept his eyes on hers. “Do you still feel it, Kathryn?”

“I feel a lot of things, my friend. You’re going to have to elaborate.”

 _Her friend_. He heaved a sigh. Well, that spoke volumes. “It doesn’t matter. It was just a whim.”

“You? A whim? I can’t really see it myself. Mystical, yes but whimsical, no.” She leant forward but he didn’t turn towards her. Her voice was soft as she asked. “Please tell me what you were thinking, Chakotay.”

He stared into the fire. It was easier to speak without looking at her. Perhaps if he told her what he was feeling, the misery would lift. He was sick and tired of feeling this way. “I miss it. I miss us.”

“I’m here.”

He turned to her and smiled. “Yes you are and I am pleased about that, despite how I behaved earlier.”

“Funny, you don’t look terribly pleased. In fact, you look downright miserable.”

She’d read his mind again. Damn it. “We’ve already established that.”

“I suppose we have. Can you tell me why?”

“I don’t know whether I can articulate it without sounding crazy.” He reached behind him, picked up another log and tossed it onto the fire. They both watched in silence as it caught alight. Once it was burning steadily, he continued. “I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. Some big, some small, some that I’ve had no control over and others that I will regret for the rest of my life.” He took another deep breath and turned towards her. “You are amongst those, Kathryn.”

Her eyes expressed her distress. “You regret knowing me?”

He shook his head slowly and turned back to the fire. “Not exactly. But sometimes I wish I’d never met you.”

Kathryn was silent for a long time and his heart began to hammer in his chest. It was the bitter truth. His life before Voyager had been complicated and messy but meeting Kathryn had taken that into an entirely new realm. Whilst in the Delta Quadrant, however, with Voyager’s return their main priority, he’d pushed his feeling aside and things had become relatively straightforward. But now that they were home, the complications had returned tenfold. He closed his eyes, briefly waiting to hear her leave, but she stayed beside him.

Her next words jolted him out of his stupor.

She laughed. “You know, that’s one of the nicest things that anyone has ever said to me.”

Chakotay’s head spun towards her and he stared. She’d done it to him again – thrown his world into a tailspin. “You think?”

Kathryn shrugged and quirked her eyebrow. “I’ve obviously made an impression.”

“But…” As he began to speak, she leaned forward and stared right into his eyes. His shoulders sagged. “Never mind.”

Reaching over, Kathryn took his hand. “You’re not the only one who harbours regrets. I imagine if we had to go one for one, I’d beat you hands down. You don’t have the exclusive rights on mistake-making you know. Some of mine have been more than memorable.”

She had a point and all of a sudden, it seemed so ridiculous, he chuckled. “Hmmm, true.” Then he huffed out a breath. “And I didn’t really mean that, you know. Every day I’m thankful that I know you.”

“Every day? I doubt it.” Kathryn held up her free hand as he opened his mouth to protest. “It’s all right, I get the idea.”

He squeezed her hand, “I’m glad.” Taking a deep breath, he felt the anger lifting and the jagged edges of confusion mellowing into gentle waves. If being her friend was all he’d ever be then he would be content with that. Having Kathryn in his life was far more important than anything else was.

Kathryn was staring into the fire and, picking up a stick, poked at it again. “We’re a pair.”

“Hmmm? A pair of what?”

“Idiots, I think.”

He smiled. “You’re a touch deficient in the compliment department tonight. Anything else you want to get off your chest?”

“There might be, but I need a cup of coffee first. Got any?”

“No, sorry. I wasn’t expecting company, remember.”

Kathryn gave him a peeved look before smiling smugly as she tapped her combadge. “Janeway to Riker.”

_“Wil, here Kathryn. What can I do for you?”_

“I need that pack I left in your Ready Room, thanks, Wil.”

There was a rumbling chuckle on the other end of the comm line. “ _I thought you might. It’s on its way. Riker out.”_

A moment later, the glare of a transporter beam illuminated the desert and a medium sized cargo container appeared. Kathryn slipped her hand from Chakotay’s, stood and moved over to pick it up. Thumping it on the ground in front of her as she sat down, Kathryn snapped open the catch. It was stacked with various items, one of which was a large carafe, presumably filled with coffee. She lifted it out and brandished it towards him. “Would you like a cup?”

“Now you have the Titan beaming you coffee? Does Starfleet know about this?”

She shrugged. “I have no idea and I don’t care. It’s the least they can do after all we’ve been through. Anything you’d like beamed down? Mushroom soup, herbal tea, a nubile blonde?”

“Ouch!”

Kathryn quirked her brow again in perfect imitation of a certain Vulcan and quipped. “Sorry.” Then she began to unscrew the top of the flask.

“You don’t sound very apologetic.”

She stopped what she was doing and looked towards him. “Okay, I’m not – can’t get anything by you.” She began to wrestle with the lid again but, with shoulders sagging, she turned towards him once more. “That’s not true. I _am_ sorry, I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I hate to break it to you; I don’t think that the relationship is a going concern anymore. Seven seems to have moved on.”

“I know and I’m relieved. It wasn’t something that would have lasted.”

“Hmm, yes, well, we’ll talk about that another time, shall we?” Kathryn returned her attention to the flask and after unscrewing the lid, moved it close to her face and breathed in the aroma. “Mmmm, nectar of the gods.”

“Got any cream and sugar?”

Kathryn reached into the cargo container. “As a matter of fact, I do. I figured you’d weaken and want a cup.”

He smiled. “You know me too well.”

“I thought I did, but I wasn’t aware that you were so unhappy. I should have known.”

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“That’s not the point. I wish you’d talked to me.”

“That’s what the counsellors were for.”

“In some alternate reality perhaps, but if you were like me, you didn’t tell them anything that was of any use. I dodged and weaved my way through the sessions. You did too, didn’t you?”

While they’d been talking, Kathryn had poured their coffees, added cream and sugar to Chakotay’s, and was now stirring the milky brew. She handed it to him as he answered.

“They were next to useless, and yes, I manoeuvred my way around the truth as well.”

“What truth was that, Chakotay? Can you tell me?”

He sipped his coffee then reached past her for more sugar.

Kathryn frowned and gave him a gentle shove with her shoulder. “Do you want me to just pour some coffee into the sugar container and be done with it?”

He laughed and shook his head. “No, but thanks for the offer. What I really want is to kiss you.”

They both stilled. He certainly hadn’t meant to say it aloud. The roaring silence that followed his bold admission was telling. Taking a deep breath, he was about to apologise when Kathryn laid her hand on his cheek and turned his face towards her. “What are you waiting for?”

“Waiting for? Ummm, a bolt of lightning, an earthquake, a red alert.”

Kathryn looked around and then back at him. “Sorry, you’re out of luck. Although, I can contact Tuvok for you if you like. What a shame Neelix is in another quadrant.”

“No thanks, I think I’ll…” Chakotay leaned forward and pressed his lips to Kathryn’s, not finishing his sentence. He was suddenly tired of talking.

It was a chaste kiss, a brief press of flesh against flesh and as he pulled back to gauge her reaction, he felt very pleased with himself. He’d finally done it – he’d kissed Kathryn. And for some reason, all he could liken it to was the concept of pulling off a sticking plaster – the quicker the better. Get it over and done with before moving on.

Kathryn stared at him before slowly placing her cup of coffee on the ground, divesting him of his and placing it next to hers at their feet. She was moving very methodically; her actions controlled and contained. He’d seen her like this many times – usually before a violent confrontation – and he braced himself for the backhand or a shoulder throw that was bound to follow, but she surprised him again. “Is that the best you can do?”

“Complaints already?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “What do you mean ‘already’? One peck and you expect me to crumple in a swoon at your feet. This _is_ the 24 th century you know.”

“I know what year it is. That’s why I was worried that you might hit me.”

“I just might if you don’t get a move on.”

“Move on what?”

“ _Me,_ you numbskull.”

“Numbskull? Kathryn, I’ve never heard you speak…”

He didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence either because Kathryn grabbed his head between her hands and pulled him into a kiss that almost blasted his boots off his feet. Damn she was good at this, too.

This kiss was far from chaste and within seconds, he’d joined in most enthusiastically.

Kathryn’s lips were warm and welcoming under his and quickly opened to allow her tongue to slide into his mouth to tangle with his. They shifted position several times, moving at different angles before finding the most comfortable one as they delved and tasted of one another. The kiss went on for endless moments before she pulled away slowly, one hand drifting over his cheek and the fingers of her other hand weaving through his hair.

Her eyes were heavy lidded and her voice was a low husk. “It’s soft.”

Chakotay felt drunk. “Huh?”

“Your hair. For some reason I always thought it would be coarse to touch.”

“Oh.” He lifted his hand and wove his fingers through Kathryn’s hair, sweeping it back from her face. Leaning forward he kissed and nibbled at her neck, mumbling into her ear. “Your hair feels just like I imagined it would and it smells like vanilla.”

Kathryn tilted her head back to allow him better access and answered in a breathy whisper. “It’s my shampoo.”

“Figures.”

“Hmmm.” She sidled a little closer and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he continued to nuzzle her neck. “I have an apple scented one too.”

“Nice.” Chakotay wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying, his mind busily occupied with a barrage of sensations – the soft skin of her neck under his lips, her heady scent and short fuzz along her hairline tickling his nose. Besides – vanilla or apple – he really didn’t care as long as he could tangle his fingers in the strands and kiss her until they were both too exhausted to move.

Suddenly Kathryn’s hand was pushing aside his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt. He clasped it in his, holding it still. “What are you up to, Kathryn?”

“I’m planning on making love to you. Do you have a problem with that?”

“Not a problem it’s just that I don’t want to freeze my ass off. It’s probably close to zero out here at the moment.”

“I’ll warm you up. I promise.”

“I don’t doubt it but I want to take my time with you. I’ve waited seven years for this. Will you indulge me?”

“That was the idea but if you want to wait, I’ll try to behave myself.”

That made him smile and he kissed her hair as he pulled her close against his side. “I feel like I’m cheating.”

Shocked, Kathryn tried to pull away. “On Seven?!”

“ _What_?! God no! I mean on Voyager and the crew.” He wrapped his arm tighter around her shoulder and tugged her close. “I’ve spent so long convincing myself that this couldn’t be, that the ship and the crew’s welfare came first, that it’s going to take a little while before I get used to the idea. What about you?”

“I don’t have a problem with it.” Kathryn’s hand skimmed up his front and clasped the lapel of his jacket. “The honest truth is I want to rip you clothes off right now and have my lascivious way with you.”

“Ahh, as subtle and understated as always.”

“You know my credo: There is a time for diplomacy and a time for action, but I can be patient. I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

“You’re not?”

“No. We’re home. We’re together and from now on, we don’t have to be apart. We can be whatever we want to be.”

Chakotay looked serious and turned towards her. “What if I want something permanent – for us?”

“As I said, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Do you understand what I’m asking, Kathryn?”

She heaved a deep sigh and blew a breath between pursed lips before the words tumbled out hurriedly. “If you’re telling me that you love me and want to be with me forever, then yes. If not, I’m beaming out of here now before I embarrass myself anymore than I already have.”

“You love me.” It was a statement rather than a question.

“Of course I do. And you’d better love me back otherwise I’m going to look like a complete ass to all of our crew, my family and most of Starfleet.”

“Wha..?”

“Well, they know how I feel and they expect us to arrive back as a couple.” She took his face between her hands. “We’re not going to disappoint them, are we?”

“Hell no. I’m even more terrified of your mother than I am of you. And just the thought of facing B’Elanna is enough to make me shake in my boots.”

Kathryn laughed, “My hero. You’re just saying that to soften me up.”

Chakotay’s fingers traced around Kathryn’s face and over her lips. “You’re soft enough. I love you just how you are.”

“I have a tent.”

“Good for you.” Chakotay wasn’t really listening; his eyes were riveted to Kathryn’s face and the trail that his fingertips were travelling.

“And an inflatable mattress.”

That got his attention. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?”

Kathryn shrugged. “I didn’t want you to think I was easy.”

“Kathryn, we’ve waited seven years, you’ve already told me that you wanted to rip my clothes off and have your way with me so I think we’ve established that you’re very patient but incredibly wanton – an appealing combination, I might add.”

“Will you please stop talking and help me.” Kathryn was on her feet, pulling packs from the cargo container.

Within moments the tent was up, the mattress inflated and the large heated sleeping bag unrolled. Chakotay was impressed. “All those boring childhood camping trips paid off.”

“I don’t think my parents had this sort of thing in mind when they showed me how to set up camp. But that’s one thing the Delta Quadrant – and a certain drone – has taught me. To _adapt_.”

She turned to him and grinned and Chakotay was hit by a wave of devotion so strong that it nearly bowled him over. “I love you, Kathryn. So deeply that it’s almost painful.”

Kathryn reached up and brushed her fingers over his lips. “It doesn’t have to be.”

“I’m sorry about Seven.”

“Don’t be. I had no right to be angry. It was my choice to keep you at a distance. I’m surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. I was prepared.”

“How do you prepare for something like that?”

She shrugged. “It wouldn’t have been the first time that my heart had been broken. It’s a gnarly and scarred old organ.”

“I’ll take care of it. I promise.”

“I know you will. You always have.” Kathryn stood on tiptoes and kissed him quickly. “Can we take our clothes off now?”

“After you.” Chakotay chuckled quietly as he held open the tent flap and Kathryn stepped through the opening. Before he could follow, her jacket sailed out through the doorway to land at his feet, her boots and pants followed and before he knew what was happening a naked arm snaked out, grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled him inside.

All he could do was laugh.

* * *

Chakotay stood at the edge of a field of sunflowers, basking in the balmy evening breeze. He was some distance from the revellers but could still hear the bass beat of the music and the happy rumble of voices. It was a welcome and comforting thought to know that all the people he loved best were together in the one place.

Tonight was the Voyager crew’s six-month reunion and to avoid as much of the hoopla as possible, they’d secretly gathered in Bloomington’s local town hall. It wasn’t the most glamorous of venues but that was the last thing on anyone’s mind; besides, they were used to making-do. With Tom and Harry in charge of organising the event, it promised to be a night to remember, or forget – if the amount of alcohol being imbibed by some of the younger crew was any indication. So far, though, it had been a huge success. Family and friends had gathered here from as far afield as Bajor and Vulcan and all were brimming with excitement and joy at seeing their fellow Voyagers.

Earlier in the evening, he and Kathryn had entered the room to a tumultuous welcome, the applause lasting for nigh on ten minutes. If they’d ever had any doubts about the crew’s reaction to their relationship, they were heartily reassured. Each and every one of them was delighted.

* * *

Chakotay and Kathryn had returned to San Francisco after their trip to Australia and word of their liaison had spread like wildfire. They’d made front-page news for several days and had been pursued by press for a couple of weeks. Unsurprisingly, there had been a measure of minor tut-tutting by some of the more staid and inflexible of Kathryn’s superiors but no one had the gall to say anything outright and, over time the whispers had quieted and the sideway glances had ceased.

Chakotay had worried for Kathryn and her career but she had been fiercely unapologetic. She refused to be diverted from what she wanted, which – much to his delight – was him.

And she’d had him, many times and each time was like a revelation. The thought made him smile.

Their night in the Simpson Desert had been the beginning of a new and wondrous, shared journey that had brought him more joy than he could ever have imagined. He and Kathryn had moved in together almost as soon as they’d arrived back – but not in San Francisco. Neither of them felt at home there anymore, so together they’d set off to Indiana to find a place that suited both their needs. Kathryn wanted to be close to Gretchen and Chakotay wanted to be wherever Kathryn was happiest. They’d found a small holding about ten minutes up the road from her childhood home and within two weeks they’d repainted and furnished the rambling farmhouse, filling it with their rather eclectic mix of belongings.

With the promise of an admiralty position when she returned to active duty, Kathryn had decided to take a yearlong leave of absence while Chakotay weighed up several options from universities around the globe. Although he’d been offered a posting with Starfleet, he’d declined, opting to remain in the civilian sector. It allowed him the freedom to pursue palaeontology – his first love – and, with a healthy smattering of Delta Quadrant Xenobiology thrown in for good measure, he was in great demand. He was happy, however, to bide his time until he found exactly what he wanted. Neither he nor Kathryn was in any hurry to commit to anything; they had a life to lead and a lot of time to catch up on.

With Kathryn by his side, everyday was a new adventure and most importantly, they were happy.

* * *

Steering himself back to the present, Chakotay peered into the darkness. Kathryn was out there somewhere but knowing her, that could be anywhere. She’d disappeared from the dance floor and he’d received a cryptic comm. message to meet her ‘down by the creek’. He had no idea which creek or where so he’d simply wandered down the hill from the party in the hope of stumbling upon it. So far, he’d had no luck but as his eyes became accustomed to the darkness, he saw a faint glow through the rows of flowers and decided it was worth investigating. Wending his way through the tall, heavy-headed plants, he finally found her.

She was sitting on a log in front of an open fire and, although he couldn’t see it, he could hear the sound of running water. An old styled coffee pot sat amongst the coals and two mugs along with other paraphernalia sat on the ground beside her. Kathryn looked up as he finally pushed through the cheerful barrier of flowers into the open.

She grinned and then rolled her eyes. “There you are, I thought you’d never get here. Six months off the ship and you’ve forgotten how to navigate.”

He chuckled. “Hey, it’s not as easy as just pointing towards the Alpha quadrant and saying ‘go’. Your directions could use some tweaking.” Moving towards her, he pointed to the log. “Is there room enough for two?”

Wriggling over a little, she nodded enthusiastically. “Absolutely. I’ve been saving you a spot.”

He looked over his shoulder towards the party. “Are we expecting anyone else?”

“No. Just us. I thought we deserved a few moments alone for our own private celebration. It’s a clear night and I felt like looking at the stars.”

Chakotay took a seat before tilting his head back and looking up at the night sky as Kathryn slipped her arm through his, hugged him close and followed his gaze.

Her head rested on his shoulder. “Do you still miss them?”

“The stars?” He thought for a moment then shook his head. “No, not anymore. What about you, do you wish you were up there amongst them?”

“Not for a minute. I sometimes think about what it would be like to go back into space – I always thought that I would loathe being earthbound – but I’m enjoying my life at present and I don’t have any great urge to take to the skies again. I’ve had enough adventure to last me a lifetime. Do you think I’m getting old?”

“We’re never going to get old. I refuse.”

“Fair enough. I’ll stick with you then.”

“That’s flag officer thinking for you.”

“I try but please don’t start calling me Admiral just yet.”

Chakotay turned to her and quirked an eyebrow. “No? I think it’s rather sexy.”

She winked at him. “Sexy huh? Well then, at least wait until I’m naked. I think that will give it a certain je ne sais quoi.”

“You’re evil, you know. Now I’ll never be able to look at an admiral’s pips again without imagining you in the nude. Thank you very much.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll introduce you to Alyna Nechayev, that’ll take the lead out of your pencil.”

Chakotay guffawed. “God, Kathryn! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Kathryn laid her hand over her heart. “She taught me all I know.” Grinning, she leant up and kissed him warmly then pulling away with a happy sigh, reached for the coffee pot. “So, I was going to bring champagne but decided that we have this tradition now.” She held up the pot. “How would you like a coffee?”

Still smiling he shook his head in amazement. “We’ve only done this once; does that make it a tradition?”

“It does if I say so.”

“Aye, aye, Admiral.”

“Hey, I’m wearing clothes, captain will do.”

“Cream and sugar please, _Captain_.”

“I still don’t know how you can contaminate this perfectly good beverage with all that rubbish…” Her hand was poised over the sugar container. “Seventeen lumps?”

He smiled. “Four will do, thank you. Unlike my women, I like my coffee sweet.”

“Good thing too. I’ve been called many things over the years but sweet isn’t one of them. Here we go – your coffee syrup.”

“Thank you.”

Chakotay took the mug from Kathryn and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek just because he could.

She smiled at him as she took a healthy sip from her mug. “Ahhh, now that’s good.” Nestling back into his arms, she looked up at the stars again then pointed skyward. “There’s Cassiopea and Ursa Major and if you follow through in a straight line from there you’re on your way back to the Delta Quadrant.”

They were both quiet for a moment, alone with their thoughts.

Kathryn sighed. “It’s amazing when you think of it. We travelled all that way through unknown space, dealt with all those dangers and horrors, and it looks so peaceful from down here – but we know it isn’t. Maybe that’s why I’m happy to stay put – too many close calls over the years.”

“They were incredible times but dangerous. We were lucky more often than not, although, we did have a brilliant and tenacious leader on our side; one who would never say die.”

“Unless it was to the other guy.”

“How could I forget? She could be damned scary when she wanted to be.” Chakotay put his coffee down and hugged her close. “You were an amazing captain, Kathryn, really something and your promotion is well deserved.”

“It’ll keep me off the streets but I don’t want to think about it just yet. I still have six months leave and far too many things to do before I start worrying about where to go for my long lunches and what I’m going to wear to the next Admiralty shindig.”

“Oh, I think being an admiral entails a little more than that but I’m sure you’ll pick the best restaurants and have the most beautiful dress.”

“And I’ll have the handsomest partner, so it’s win-win for me.”

“Are those shindigs where I’m going to meet the famous and emasculating Alyna Nechayev?”

“You sound keen, should I be worried? She is blonde you know.”

Chakotay nuzzled her neck and kissed the sweet spot just under her ear. “You’re never going to let that go are you?”

“No. Not while I can still milk it for all it’s worth.” She reached up again and pulled him down into a bone-melting kiss. Easing away, she smiled. “I’m only teasing. I don’t have any doubts about us.”

“Good. But you still won’t let me make an honest woman of you.”

“No, I’m happy the way things are, besides, I have a pretty poor fiancé survival record. I don’t want anything to change just yet.”

“Okay, so it’s on the backburner for now. I can live with that. Just make sure you send me a memo if you change your mind. Okay?”

Kathryn nodded. “Noted. You’ll be second on the list.”

“Second?”

“If I don’t tell Mom first, she’ll never forgive us. Believe me, it’s easier that way.”

“Okay second. Just as long as I don’t hear it from Federation vid feeds before you tell me.”

“Deal.”

Satisfied, Chakotay leaned back further still holding her in his arms. “Speaking of which, did you hear that Ken Dalby and Renlay Sharr are making it official?”

“I did. I’m so pleased for them and we must get back before the end of the party because I think they want me to preside over the ceremony.”

“Your first wedding since Tom and B’Elanna’s.”

“And look how successful that was. Did you see that little girl tonight? Miral is the image of B’Elanna.”

“On the outside but she’s all Paris on the inside. Mischievous as hell and has her daddy wrapped around her little finger.”

Kathryn laughed. “At least Tom’s got someone his own age to play with now.”

“True.” Chakotay chuckled as he sat up and threw another couple of logs onto the fire. He stared into the flames for a long moment his arm still firmly around Kathryn’s shoulder. “It’s hard to remember when we weren’t like this. It feels like forever.”

“I think that it just feels so right that it’s hard to imagine us not being together. If that makes sense.”

“Perfect sense and sitting out under the stars in the quiet is a wonderful reminder of that first night. Thank you.”

They sat in silence again, remembering, until the sound of voices broke them from their reverie.

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. “I could have sworn I just heard Tom Paris.”

“Did someone say my name? Should my ears be burning?”

Chakotay and Kathryn’s heads snapped around to find their ex-pilot, engineer, ops officer, doctor and resident Borg emerging from the sunflowers into their small clearing.

“We saw the light on and thought we’d drop in.” B’Elanna looked very pleased with herself.

Chakotay whispered in Kathryn’s ear. “Lucky you’re not being an ‘admiral’ tonight, huh?”

“For all concerned.” She mumbled so only he would hear then laughed and welcomed her friends. “Gather round everyone.”

They all found a spot around the fire and Tom and Harry held up bottles of champagne. The Doctor and Seven brandished the glasses.

“Anyone for some bubbly?” Tom pulled the cork and the wine foamed for a moment before he began to pour and pass the drinks around. Once everyone had a glass, Tom lifted his in a toast. “To us, and to all the Voyagers and their families, may we always have walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, coffee beside the fire, laughter to cheer us, those we love near us, and all that our hearts desire.”

Chakotay looked around him at the faces of the people who had become his family, the woman who was his partner in life and love, and up at the stars that had once been his home. Lifting his glass, he turned to Kathryn and smiled. “To our hearts desire.”

Fin.


End file.
